Want to be a Rockstar?

My name is Steve E. Talent and I am going to be your professor while you learn your way from "nobody" to "RockStar!" I have devised a list of steps to guide you through this painstaking process known as "Forming-A-Band-Getting-A-Record-Deal-And-Getting-Famous" which is pig-latin for "Failing" in hopes that you beginners won't give up on your dreams.

Its my little way of using my first hand knowledge to give back to the music scene which I love so dearly.

You're welcome.

#1 - Deciding How Many Members You Should Have In Your Band

The first thing you should do is pick a number between 3 and 6. It's usually completely arbitrary so don't get too hung up on the process. Use dice. Or pick a random Kid Rock song and count how many times he says "Kid Rock" in it and use that number.

You might be asking "Why only between three and six members?"

This is because 2 people playing music isn't a group or a band. It's a couple. Any more than six members and the royalties go so low that you might as well be a roadie for another local group.

#2 - Finding Other People With The Same Goal Of "Becoming A Rock Super Group"

Now you have to go out onto the scene and find potential musicians. You can start by going to local shows, clothing stores and bars because most would-be musicians will be found at those places.

When you get to a show, wait until the music starts and head toward the crowd at the front. Just before you get to the front - stop. You see, the front is usually made up of friends and drug dealers of the band that is playing. However, the group of people just behind the front is where the newbie musicians will be.

Stand still and don't make too much eye contact and certainly don't stare. What you are looking for is what most of us call "air" players - they will look like they are playing an instrument that isn't there. The drummer will be patting his hands on his legs or drumming on invisible drums, a guitar or bass player will be making a fist and strumming the other hand on his phantom guitar and the singer will generally be singing the wrong words out of time to the song that is currently playing with complete disregard for notes.

Once you find your musicians introduce yourself and invite them over with promises of stardom.

#3 - Picking A Style And A Name

The five of you are probably sitting in your lower middle class basement and wondering what to do next.

Well, now you must pick a style of music that you'd like to play. Take a vote (you should start getting used to this voting process now.) Possible answers could be; Blues, R&B, Heavy Metal, Hard Rock, Rap, or Country. It isn't that important so don't get hung up on the details.

You probably ended up agreeing to play "Rock." Which is fine. It's more general than Hard Rock or Heavy Metal but it'll do.

Now you need a name.

Your band name should reflect the type of music that you'll perform. It shouldn't be too simple or too complicated but it should grab peoples attention.

A bad name might be "Zeal of regular normal everyday strangers," or "Self taught evaluation via enemies." A good name could be "Free Cocaine" or "The Panties."

Yes.

"The Panties."

#4 - Choose Your Weapon

Aside from having a name, "The Panties," and a musical style you also have to play instruments. So look at your band mates.

If you see one that doesn't look able to write his own name then you have a bass player.
If you see one drunk and without a job then you probably have a drummer.
If you see one smoking and pounding down whiskey -- you have a singer on your hands.
That leaves two guitar players, or two brain cells, to complain how they can do it better.

#5 - Get A Gig

"Gig" is a word that we, who have been on the scene longer than you, use to refer to shows. What you need now are "gigs."

Go through your local "music rags" which is slang for "Local Ad Magazines With Extra Ads... and also Some Ads" and circle some bars that you would like to play. Then call up the bar and tell them that you are an up and coming rock band with a Huge following.

Telling them that you have a Massive following is an important gig-getting skill so be sure to remember it.

Once you book a gig that pays enough, between 100$ and free, pack your gear and be sure to get to your show on time.

And the answer is "Yes," it will always be raining or snowing when you pack your gear into your moms car. More so when you are running late.

#6 - Packing Up

Now that you have arrived at your show, set up your gear and are standing on stage ready to rock -- you've probably realized that you don't know any songs. You should chalk this up as experience and go home.

#7 - Write Some Songs

Your first thought was probably "Whoa! We can't write any songs - We don't even know how to play!"

Knowing how to play music is not important - ask Elvis. Or if you need solid proof then venture back out onto the scene and watch more shows. Within a month you will realize that writing must be simple and people really don't expect that much from a local band.

So get to writing.

#8 - Writing Tips

Try to work your band name into your lyrics

At least three guitar solos per song

Write about girls, pain, confusion, drinking and drugs

Quiet on verses - LOUD on choruses


#9 - Appearance

You have some band members, you have some songs, now you need some style.

Go to the Salvation Army store for some real good deals on scene acceptable attire. You should go for "not really concerned with my looks" but still have every wrinkle and tear exactly where you want it.

Big hair! One of the things that sets local bands apart from Rock Superstar bands is hair. Local groups will have long greasy hair or frizzy short hair. National talents will have BIG hair with aquanet, hair dye, sparkles, spikes, beer cans and small mining towns. They have BIG hair. And sunglasses! Don't forget the oversized "funny" sunglasses.

Another thing that seems to be coming back around in the national rock style is skin tight pants. So,.. when doing this - remember to stuff.

Between your heaving package and your BIG hair you should look near the part now.

#10 - Attitude

Alright, now you should have style. Now you need attitude.

The old "We do it for the music" attitude has been replaced with "We do it for the money, fame, drugs and girls." So get it out of your head that you somehow care about music and adopt the "party" mentality.

Start by picking a good liquor. Later your band will be known by what you prefer to drink so make sure it's as tough as your image.

Next, get some "starter" groupies. These are the not-so-great looking people that will show up because they have nothing better to do. They are the ones that you will be able to have brag about your group so that you don't have to. They will also be your after-party hosts so that your band doesn't have to worry about clean-up in the morning.

Be sure to adopt a holier-than-thou stance. When people talk to you about anything other than how good you are, money, fame, drugs or girls be sure to get a few rolled eyes in and a yawn or two for good measure. Let them know that un-rockstar things have no meaning to you anymore.

Now you should have some band members, a band name ("The Panties"), some musical direction, songs, appearance and attitude. The next step is. . .

#11 - Promote yourselves

It should be pretty simple for you to get exposure - by playing the songs that you have written -- for people that do not know or care about you. This is what the industry like to call "introducing yourselves to the scene."

You know that you are good. You just have to let everyone else know how good you are so that they will want to pay money to see you. It wont be much money, if any at all, that they will pay at the door to get into the dive bar that you will perform at - but it is still hard to get them to separate with it.

My advice is,.. fliers. Find an old friend that you went to school with that is able to draw and ask them to make a logo for you. It should be pretty straight forward ("The Panties") requires nothing more than cutting out a few choice pieces of a Victorias Secret catalogue and tracing them.

Now make the flier with your new logo, show date - place - time and make copies of it at Kinkos or your Mom's work. Now hit all the bars near the venue to be played at and get drunk while talking about your upcoming show.

People like this. They love to see musicians at work.

Be sure to leave fliers at the bars before you stumble out.

#12 - Play the show

Since this is your virgin show... I should mention how a few of the things are going to happen.

You are going to show up either too early which causes you to sit around and get piss drunk before you play,.. or too late which causes you to run around wondering what is going on.

Once you are on stage, you will not be able to find a place to plug in any amplifiers or any other electrical equipment.

If you are a rock band,.. prior to playing - the bar will see fit to play at least 2 hours worth of Gangster rap and Shakira.

You will not show up or leave with all of your equipment.


#13 - Stick around after the show

This is your time to get feedback on the show. Remember to ask friends to stick around because you will need them to reassure you that you are the best after a few strangers tell you that you suck.

Remember that any other band that you play with is competition and possible allies. So, after they play be sure to tell them how they "Rock."

Later when you are alone with your pals you can talk about how that same band "Sucked."

Be sure to put fliers on tables advertising the next show. Nobody will ever see these or take them - but your band "leader" will be pissed if you don't do it.

You should also be concentrating on finding an after party to go to. There is no point in being in a band if there isn't going to be plenty of partying - remember this.

Save yourself the trouble right now and have someone go get beer.


#14 - The After Party

After you have given everyone directions to some unlucky dudes house - split out and get there as quickly as possible. The beer will not wait for you.

Be sure to walk up to a group of friends firstly. They will meet you with a loud "Whats up dude," or "Fuck an 'A' dude - Awesome show!"

Everyone will be able to hear this and it will establish you as a kick ass person that the party should be thankful to have around.

Say your half hearted 'thanks' and find the other band mates and the beer. You must get drunk quickly as to properly get your better personality out of the bag.

You will end up getting really drunk with your band mates and talking about the show.

Occasionally you will get intruders into the conversation - which is only allowed if the intruder is A) A hot girl B) Someone with free beer or drugs or C) A hot girl with beer and drugs.

For the rest of the night... well... use your imagination. Remember - you are the best thing to hit the music scene since amplified guitars.

Alrighty then. You've promoted and played your first show. You've got piss drunk at someone elses house and left the mess behind. You are probably asking yourself "Steve, what are me and the Panties expected to do now?"

Which is exactly why I, the Professor of Pompousness, am here.

#15 - The Hangover (A haze)

I expect that most of you following this manual are seasoned drunks... but I feel the need to explain the "Rockstar Hangover."

The Rockstar Hangover isn't so much a process as a state of mind. It starts with waking up around 4pm. Your mind should be telling you things like "I need more food," "Go take a piss," and "I wonder if there is any beer left over."

If you want to be a sissy then, by all means, go get some taco bell come home and lay around all day nursing your headache.

If you want to be a true RockGod then wake up, bake up, and grab another beer. This is also the perfect time to talk more about the previous night's show and party and to get your story straight with everyone else before any of your "significant" others find out.

Remember to check your pockets for phone numbers, pills, and picks. DO NOT go to your actual home without checking your pockets... that would be a rookie mistake and cost you a place to live. Oh, and possibly a girlfriend.

#16 - Practice (Rehearsal)

You've lived through the first show and party and you still want to be a RockStar? Fine.Go find another venue to play and start promoting it. But now you have to practice.

Practice is the time that your band unloads the gear into a practice space while the singer takes a dump. This is important to his ego so don't say anything about it... remember that he/she is the center of attention and the driving force of the band. He should only have to carry his
microphone.

The bass player will have to have the most help getting his gear in because everything that relates to bass is *BIG*. 5 string basses that weigh 20 pounds, cabs that weigh 120, and a head that must be made of depleted uranium.

Once all the unloading and set up is done, if the singer is out of the jon, you should grab a beer.

No practice goes well without everyone being absolutely shit faced. Remember what you've learned from the greats -- Zeppelin, Stones, Aerosmith -- they were high as fuck when they wrote music so why shouldn't you try to tap into it as well? Good.

Practice goes like this.

You all sit down and run through the songs that you've written or decided to perform. After that is called "Going over it again because someone fucked up." This is the time when one person is more or less singled out for being a terd and everyone else looks like they have a million better things to do than sit around and rehearse until the songs are perfect. Its important to get a scoff or an eye-roll in at this time.

After the actual rehearsal is --

#17 - The New Writing Process (staying away from home)

You still need more songs to play at your future shows because the fans are going to tire of hearing the same old shit over and over.

At first you should try writing songs with every member present. That's always a blast.

The singer will suggest parts that display his vocal talent, the bass player will ask for no less than two bass solo's per song, and the guitarists will want at least 3 solos per song with bridges and pre choruses, long intros and extros. The first song that you all write together will be 38 minutes long and nearly impossible to remember. Don't worry, because with time, writing songs will become like eating a cheese grater rectally.

Enjoy your 38 minute song while you can because most of your career will be based on 8 second sound bytes and 3 minute songs.

And beer.

#18 - Still have a girlfriend? (uh oh)

By now you should have practiced at least 3 times a week for a couple of months straight. That includes promotion time (see #11), party time (see #14), and working your 8-4 bullshit job.

All of this time, added up, equates to a hell of a lot of time that you are not spending with your girlfriend. About 25 hours a day to be precise.

It goes without being said that. . .

Well,.. that wouldn't be very interesting if I started it like that now would it? Let me try again.

Your girlfriend will come to hate you. It is inevitable. It's not hard for others to understand but for a Rockstar like yourself it seems an ungraspable concept. "Who wouldn't want me?"

Let me point out a few things about the different points of view concerning this. I will label the Rockstar Thoughts with a R* and the girlfriend thoughts with a GF.

R* - I'm doing something that I love doing,.. making music.
GF - He's not home with me.
R* - I'm promoting the band, working a job, writing music, networking, and generally having a good time working my ass off.
GF - He's not home with me.

In the last section you should have powered your way through a dabilitating hangover, practiced your songs, wrote a new "freebird", and learned about your sixth member of the "Panties," your girlfriend.

Now we must take an inventory of your life outside the band. . .

#19 - The day job

You must realize that working a 9 to 5 job, on top of rehearsing and playing gigs, honks the bobo. There is something that you can do about it though!

Quit.

Thats right. Quit your job. It's the dream of every musician this side of the vagina. We don't want work to interfere with our passion for music and its rewards! We should be treated to a life without daily grind because we are in the business of enlightening and entertaining. We are Gods among men.

I know what you are thinking, "But Professor Steve - If I quit my job,.. how will I be able to afford to buy food and shelter myself?"

Listen to the heartwarming tale of Metallica in their early days. Bologna on hand sandwiches is all they had to eat.

You can do without the pizza and the rest of the fast food. Trust me.

Start partying every night with different bands of different cities. In the morning while they are trying to sleep off a hangover because they are wimps - you just take the bottles and cans to the store for deposit! It'll get you between 5-30$ depending how good the party was. You can now spend that money on food and thrift store clothes.

And,.. since you spent the night partying with them - you were technically sheltered from the elements. Genius! Two birds with one stone.

By the way - you might want to tell your friends to start drinking from cans,.. because they are lighter, smaller and easier to return in bulk. More $ for you!

#20 - Continue doing all of these things for a year...

#21 - The Axe (Still Alive? Still want to be a ROCKSTAR***?)

Through the last year you have probably lost most of your original friends and gained new ones.

You've probably lost a girlfriend or two as well. You've also lost about 40 pounds from heavy drinking, partying and drugs which is good because the cemetery look is very becoming of a rockstar.

You should know how to play shows and book shows, write songs, bicker amongst yourselves, and party till the early hours. You've probably even grown attached to one another. Which is bad.

Remember that this is a business. You aren't in a band for music - you are in it for the money, girls and drugs! So getting personally attached to each other is the wrong move to make. The best thing to do now that you have felt each other out is to "fire" someone.


Hell, fire two people. The more the merrier. Find the two people that seem to make the most mistakes and have a meeting with them. Point out that they are sub-standard and not going in the same direction as the rest of the band; you are outgrowing them; they are holding you back.

After you have fired them you can hit the scene anew and attribute your current lack of success and fame on their past foibles. This is a rich opportunity to make the remaining members seem majestic and important.

It also gives you the chance to mix the scene up a little bit. Remember that most musicians have been in more than one band and are willing to be in yet another. So go grab a couple of members from other bands and see what you can shake up. There's no telling what kind of music you can write when you have fresh blood.

Everything will be fine.

#22 - The Studio

Now that you have two new members that hardly know any of your songs it's time to hit the studio.

Be sure to pick the most expensive studio that you can find that takes I.O.U's because being deep in debt is a must for a musician and it is important to have radio quality songs to shop around.

The night before you hit the studio is the perfect time not to practice a single song that is going on the record. Practicing to go into the studio is a waste of time and effort because they can patch up any mistakes you make. !!AS IF!! Like a talented bunch like you is going to make mistakes. Pfft!

It is also a perfect night to smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a piece and get shit face drunk. Being in the studio while having a hangover is standard operating procedure for RockGods.

So go on, get in there and do your magic!

#23 - The Studio Realization

By the second day in the studio you have probably realized that you are not studio musicians.

Thats alright. Just tell yourselves that your music is about the live show that you put on. This train of thought will get you through the recording process.

Some studio tips for "The Panties,"

1) Always make changes to songs while you are recording them, there is no sense in recording the song the original way because blokes like you ooze creativity on the fly.

2) Be sure to roll your eyes at each other when mistakes happen

3) Sleep lots while you are in the studio - try not to get involved in helping each other along - it
makes you look like a pussy

4) Request the engineer to put as many effects on the vocals and guitars as possible. The more reverb the better

5) Remember to make a score list of everyones screw-ups so that at the end of the process you can say things like "He took forever to do that," and "He wasted so much of our time!"

6) The engineer can fix anything in mixdown so don't worry too much about doing it right the first time

Well, well, well... come back for more advice? You must not be famous yet. That's okay! That's what I'm here to help you become. You should have recorded your "debut" album - (that means 'first' in Italian) and you should have a "mastered" - (that means '2000$ better' in Greek) copy of it now.

#24 - The 'Debut' CD and what to do with it

You shouldn't just sit there and look at it, you have to do something with it. Most of the music scene agrees that you should 'Press' it which means that you should send the mastered CD in an envelope to a company that mass produces CD's and cases along with a check for lots of $$ preferably from a trusted family member that you can pay back at a future time.

But just before you send the CD, remember to take a month or two to figure out who's face is going to be the most prominent on the front cover of the case. This is important for your singer's ego, argue just enough to seem like it really matters, then let him have the aforementioned spot on the cover. Also, if you are going to have any "thank you's" on the inside, now is the time to write them down so that you can lose it in time for the pressing.

Once you have lost the 'thank you' list, you may safely write another one that will not be in danger of being lost but it will definitely cause the CD pressing to be delayed.

#25 - Debt

Once you borrow the money from a family member or bank to press the CD you will notice that you feel as if bricks are piled on your chest. This is called "reality."

You have borrowed money that you are going to pay back whether you are rich or poor, but you are banking on making it in the music world. For 99.99998% of you, that means that you are going to be working long hours at the dealership to pay for this CD.

LOONG hours, because you probably spent over 50 hours in the studio recording 1 song. Good job.

#26 - More Debt (smart thing to do) [trust me] {really}

One thing you might not have realized about your fans, is that they have an unquenchable desire for cotton things with your band's logo on them. This means T-shirts, sweaters, hats, ear muffs, panties, thongs, socks, jock straps, and cotton balls. Get your ass in gear and go borrow some money to print your logo on these things to sell at shows.

Remember, the equation for fame is; Fame = [Cotton Items Sold * Radio Mentions + Headlining shows - Cover Shows]; so the more items you sell, the more fame points you receive!

This scale will give you a general idea about fame points;

1,000,000+ pts. - Kid Rock
100,000+ pts. - Trent Reznor
10,000+ pts. - Kitty
1,000 + pts. - The Unheard
100+ - KufSpu
1-99 pts. - Spice Girls

Now,.. you might feel the weight on your chest get slightly heavier when you make this purchase, and that my friend, is called "no turning back now!"

#27 - Promote CD Release party

Now you have your new "merch" (which is short for "bunch of shit for sale") and your new CD. Now you have to promote the show so that the fans and other people are aware that you exist and have a CD that you are pushing.

Start hanging out at strip clubs and local bars and eventually you will find someone that works at a radio station. These are the right people to know since they are the ones that hold the "microphone" of power. These are the people that need to know about your CD Release party because they can make LOTS of other people know about it. Be sure to by them drinks - as this makes it more likely that your party will be plugged on the radio.

Also, local newspapers will be interested to know that a local band has finally made a record. If you send it to them they will gladly write a ten word review for you in the antiquing section and plug your CD Release Party. And, since newspapers are so popular these days, at least 12 people will hear about it.

Aside from promoting your CD Release Party, you have to pick other bands, as it is customary for other Local Bands to play CD Release Parties. So get some of your friends together that are willing to drag all of their equipment to the bar to play for... you guessed it... *free*.

#28 - Promotion Tip

If you are having trouble getting word to people about upcoming shows, be sure to check out Myspace.com. It is a meeting spot where bands can come together to tell other bands that they have shows or to send out bulletins that say things like "Send this to 10 other friends to make your wildest dreams come true."

Where else can you get that kind of guarantee!

#29 - The Show

You've probably showed up to your party to realize 1 of 2 things... either a) there are too many people here and not enough CD's or merch to go around or more likely b) there are not enough people here, it looks like a lame ass high school dance gone dork.

Don't fret. This is your first CD and you haven't been around the scene for 5 years yet. After 5 years you can guarantee that at least 8 more people will show up to your CD party.

But at least tonight you get to play for free and get drunk for premium priced beer!!!

This is the Psyche of Mic coming your way on the internet radio waves not-live from Detroit Michigan. The home of, some type of music, like 50 years ago.

#30 - Attitude Revisited

A year and a half ago, I had told you that your attitude needed to be about drugs, girls, and money. Well, now that you have been through somewhat of a meat-grinder you have to adjust your attitude to fit your new situation.

Let your ego grow and let it breathe. You guys are the new bad-ass band on the circuit and you probably have some scene-credit now-- so why not let it show?

When you go to parties, be sure to mention the musicians that you have hung out with and the famous headlining ones that you have warmed up for and talk about the bigger venues that you have played.

Some other good talking points that people will be dying to hear about at great length while you are drunk are; how much better you've gotten since you started, the new songs that are being worked on, the new CD, any opportunities that might have arisen such as upcoming shows or record deals , how much you drank at the last party, .. and so on.


#31 - Understanding Alliances and Leverage

By now you and your band should be pretty good friends which means that you should have secret alliances within the group. These alliances should be used for making changes democratically within the band, making appearances publicly, and talking behind each others backs.

Be careful when choosing an ally. Remember that *you* are the most talented person in the band and your ally should share your vision of the direction of the band... which is *your* vision. You don't want to choose a weaker member as they are generally the ones who will hold you back and convince you to be in a cover band.

With the right ally you can steer the voting and get changes that *you* want.




As far as the public appearances go, you should have an ally that will boost your ego while you are not present, and will keep the conversation steered toward the band at all costs. Remember, whoever you go to the bar with will end up, along with you, being the faces of "The Panties" so keep this in mind when making an alliance.

Talking behind each others backs is mandatory for an upcoming band and with your alliance you will find that one or more other members are "replaceable" or "less talented." These members will be talked about at great length especially when drinking.

#32 - The Baby Boom

Now that your band has obligations like, debts, rehearsals, shows, writing, and promoting, one or more of the girlfriends must get pregnant.

This will cause a tidal wave of action and inaction through the belly of the band.

First will come the missed practices, then the restructuring of practice days to fit with checkups and pickled ice cream runs.

Second will come the emotional ultimatums such as "You have a baby on the way so you should stay home and not play." - "You should quit the band and grow up." and the ever popular "Which is more important the band or me?"

In this time will come strange and unexplainable responsibility shifts. Although the band member, whose girlfriend is pregnant, will be on time for shows and practice, they will not be on time when it comes to loading equipment or carrying anything.

On the personal side of things remember to start saving as much money as possible. At least 40$ a day should suffice. After 8 months of 40$ a day you should have 9600$ which will be plenty to place your significant other into a mental hospital after her nervous breakdown.

Note: Send chocolates to her with Xanax stored inside-- it'll help get her out quicker.

#33 - The Greater Decisions

With the band set to blow up into stardom at any time it is best to line up a hidden addiction for future discovery. Doing so will properly prevent everything from going ahead smoothly and this is key.

The proper way to do this is to have two separate groups of friends. It would be best if they did not know each other. One group of friends will obviously be left in the dark about your new addiction and the other will be helping to further it. It is also absolutely paramount that within this "shadow" group you have outstanding people and shady people -- this will relieve any suspicions anyone might have because all groups of people are made up of outstanding and shady persons.

#34 - Handling the HomeLife

If you happen to *Still* have a girlfriend (what are you doing wrong?) then it's time to start exercising your privileged RockStar rights. Which means; coming home late, not coming home, coming home drunk, and coming home to the wrong house.

If and when she complains about it you might be baffled by her mislaid concern. You'll have to explain to her that you are hanging out with your "outstanding" friends and having a good time being the Shooting Star of the show.

She might then mention something about her being pregnant still because it takes a human female somewhere around 27 months to grow a baby properly. Again, you'll have to explain the finer points of stardom to her; if you aren't out partying, how will anyone know that you are a RockStar? And if nobody knows that you are a RockStar then no one will buy your music. And if nobody buys your music.. little RockStar Junior ain't gonna be living in the Hamptons or Hollywood because RockStar Junior will have to settle for a lower middle class suburban lifestyle at the expense of your dreams.

So at this point in time you should not be home for more than, say, 6 hours per day. And that 6 hours is strictly for bathroom, dinner, and sleep.

Part Seven

Beyond the music and shows is a horizon full of merchandise, contests, and various other things that can only be described as necessary.

#35 - Managers

You might notice that, on top of working, you are spending a lot of time on the phone and writing emails concerning your band. You can probably type your myspace account name and password at 800 words per minute. And ultimately you are spending more time on the band business than you are writing songs, and let's face it, what is the world to do without your deep and moving, conceptual mirror to life lyrics?

You need a manager.

Managers are people who go out and do all the leg work for the business which leaves you more time to do what you are good at - which is sitting in a dank practice space trying to figure out whether to play Verse - chorus - verse - chorus - bridge - chorus - outro or Chorus - Verse - Chorus - Verse - Bridge - Chorus - Outro.

But Managers are hard to find - you basically go to a friend, or even better an aquaintance, and ask them to be your manager. They will say that they don't know the first thing about managing a band and you say "We'll give you twenty percent!"

This money will help motivate them into writing emails and waiting for replies to emails. Later, years down the road, they will have a good email repoire with prospective clients and guest bands which they will no doubt end up managing on the side or dating.


#36 - More about Managing

Now, booking gigs that you don't want to play is only 80% of a managers duty. The other 20% of manager duties is broken down thusly:

2% - Refusing to manage merchandise
2% - Refusing to manage advertising
2% - Refusing to manage a street team
2% - Refusing to hire helpful crew members
2% - General Refusal
10% - Not helping to sell tickets, cds or merchandise

The best thing to do is let your manager go off on their own and do as they wish with very little input from the band. Remember: a good manager will completely ignore the demands and needs of the band that pays them.

#37 - Contests

Now that you have a manager you will notice that you will be entering a lot of contests and battles. This is because local managers read the local music rags for easy oppurtunities for the band to play. This task takes between 3 and 4 minutes per week.

The contests are thrown by more advanced managers and are geared to make tons of money off of the working class bands that will enter.

Generally in contests and battles you will have to sell tickets to your friends. 10-20$ per ticket. The contest will ask between 10 and 30 bands to play. Each band will sell between 20 and 100 tickets. So the venue stands to make between 5,000$ and 20,000$ from ticket sales.

But this is a measly amount considering the important service that the bar provides which is; allowing a bunch of bands to take money from their friends and give it to the bar to play a 35 minute set which consists of 10 minutes of waiting for the other band to tear down, then setting up, playing for 15 minutes while listening to the sound guy try to mix on the fly, then 10 minutes of tearing down all while being hugely stressed and pressed for time and not having enough room to move any equipment to and from the trailer through the crowd.

It's a cramped popularity contest taken to the extreme and managers love to book them so get used to them and learn to love them!

Besides, someone important might be sitting out in the crowd! They have the power to sign a band and they just happened to wake up that morning and say to themself "I want to go hang out at a dingy bar, drink watery beer, and listen to some of the best local basement music. I want to go to a battle of the bands!"

#38 - Videos

What could be better than people listening to your 4-track basement recording? Seeing you on a hi-8 video tape with mono sound through a 1/4" embedded microphone!

Thats right! What you need to do is spend a bunch of money that you don't have on a video of your show. By doing this, you will have a genuine live bar show to send to prospective labels.

You have to know that Leaders of the music industry sit around all day and watch home-made movies of bands looking to make it. In fact, they like nothing better than to experience the extraordinary video and high-quality audio which is representative of a band playing at the well renowned Bennigans restaurant.

Here are some tips for your video:

1 - You should definitely invite everyone you've ever met to be in the video. That way it'll look like hundreds of people come to all of your shows. Hell, pay people to come.

2 - Everyone should be wildly into the music. You don't go to Metallica shows and see 99% of the people just standing still or sitting in their seats.

3 - Babes. You should have babes in your video. A false physical representation of the majority isn't just for Hollywood anymore.

So few other bands make videos in this YouTube, Google, and Myspace information age that you should have the advantage of being original.

#39 - Failing Equipment

You might have noticed that only crappy bands can afford brand new equipment.

You, on the other hand, will be playing on a 80$ guitar from Toys R Us,.. using a drum kit you found in the garbage,.. singing through microphones meant for karaoke,.. taping broken drum sticks,.. and boiling dead guitar strings.

This only goes to show that you are overlooked geniuses with the heart and will to carry on through the struggles related to perfecting your craft.

Remember: living with your parents can help you save money.

#40 - Endorsements

Endorsement is the Swahili word for "Free shit."

Free shit is something that you are going to want to get acquainted with fairly quickly. The best thing about being in a band is not having to pay for your "perishable" equipment such as; strings, sticks, cables, drum skins, liquor, smokes and rubbers.

The catch is: you won't be getting an endorsement for any of these things.

You will most likely get a sponsorship or endorsement by a small rap label looking to put their name on your shirts and posters in exchange for a free hour or two in their "rap music" studio consisting of a Pentium 2 with 128 megs of ram and Acid 3.0 installed on it with an 8 channel board meant for mixing the local church choir -- All while being located in the secluded and inspiring writing space that is their mommas basement.